and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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