Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
