Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
