So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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