dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
