My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
