One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
