I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
