I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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