I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Let's get the cat blown out
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
