Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
