my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
