What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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