I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
