If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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