I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
