Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Randomize
