I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
