i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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