Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
