morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
