Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
you never un-have a 4some
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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