I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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