Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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