there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
