my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
