Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
