I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
