dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
