If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
