I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
