I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
