I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
