No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
In other news, I just burned my penis
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
