You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
