Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
