i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
