Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
