I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
