This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
