what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
