i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
