Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
