This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
