even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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