I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
