Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
