I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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