So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
