I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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