My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
They took my balls.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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