I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
