I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
