We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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