Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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